Parental Well-Being, Part One: Are Parents Happier Than Nonparents?
As always, the situation's a lot more nuanced than that
I rang in the new year with a terrible chest cold, a spouse recovering from the same, a toddler getting over an ear infection, and a baby waking up at 2AM needing attention and sustenance. While new year’s eve has never been a particularly important holiday for me, this was not exactly how I planned to celebrate. Suffice it to say, I did not start 2024 as the happiest version of myself.
There is a lot of chatter in the news (and in your friend circles, probably) about whether or not parents are happier than nonparents. I was definitely less happy than one child-free friend of mine who spent the new year skiing in Switzerland, for example. While this question may on the surface seem pretty straightforward, it gets tricky when you try to scientifically answer it.
Parents vs. Nonparents: Who is Happier?
How can we figure out whether parents are happier than nonparents? In the aptly titled, “The pains and pleasures of parenting: When, why, and how is parenthood associated with more or less well-being?” (Nelson, Kushlev, & Lyubormisky, 2014), the authors attempt to review all of the ways we have tried to figure this out.
Some researchers ask a bunch of parents (like, a nationally representative sample) how happy they are and then compare their answers to the responses from a bunch of nonparents. Straightforward, right? Unfortunately, this evidence seems pretty mixed: Some studies show parents are happier than nonparents, some show that parents are less happy, while others show no differences between the groups.
Other researchers conduct longitudinal studies to test whether happiness changes as one transitions to becoming a parent. They ask a group of people before they have kids how happy they are, and then they ask them again after they have kids to compare their responses. Overall, people seem to experience a boost in life satisfaction and happiness during pregnancy and after the birth of their child, but then happiness decreases or reverts back to one’s pre-kid levels within the first few years of birth. Similar results are found when examining people who become parents through adoption or when they become a stepparent.
Unfortunately, there are issues with both types of studies that make comparing parents with nonparents difficult. First, should all parents be treated equally? Are the experiences of a seventeen year old new mother really the same as the divorced father of three? Similarly, should all nonparents be treated the same? Exactly when during parenthood should we assess happiness: Should we only study new parents when becoming a parent is perhaps most salient, or is it more accurate to study parents of grown children to really understand a lifetime of parenthood and how it affects one’s well-being? Outside of those questions, when we compare parents to nonparents, how can we “match” the groups so that the only thing that differs between them is their parenting status? Is that even possible?
There are just so many different factors that affect one’s well-being, regardless of whether you are a parent, that makes it difficult to say for certain whether being a parent by itself is the main reason why someone is more or less happy. Socioeconomic status, marital satisfaction, age, age of one’s child or general parenting style (for parents), whether one chose to be child-free in the first place (for nonparents)1… all of these factors and more can influence how happy you are.
The authors of this review argue that rather than asking, “Are parents happier than nonparents?”, we should be asking, “When are parents more or less happy than nonparents, and why?” Based on the existing evidence, they provide an overview of factors that contribute to happiness (or lack thereof) in parents:
When having children leads to less happiness
Negative emotions. This one is obvious: the more negative emotion and stress one feels, the lower one’s well-being. Parenthood is often met with an increase in emotions such as anger (“Why did you dump your cereal on the couch?!”) and anxiety (“Please don’t walk upstairs backwards!”) One study reported that parents cite taking care of children as one of the most negative-emotion-inducing experiences, second only to working (Kahneman et al., 2004, Science). Taking care of children is tough!
Sleep disturbances and fatigue. Again, not surprising!2 I’ve previously discussed how much sleep is a factor in mental health. This is also probably why research shows that as children grow older, life satisfaction increases for parents. For example, one study shows that life satisfaction only reached pre-pregnancy levels for parents once their child turned five (Clark et al., 2008, The Economic Journal)
Strained partner relationships. Life satisfaction and marital satisfaction are positively related, and many studies show a negative association between having children and marital happiness (Twenge et al., 2003, Journal of Marriage and Family). Marital satisfaction appears to play a large role in how happy or unhappy one is as a parent: The more satisfied you are in your marriage, the more likely being a parent is going to be associated with more happiness. The literature on single parenthood consistently shows that single parents are less happy than married parents (e.g., Lansford et al., 2004, Journal of Marriage and Family); however, it should be noted that this research is constrained by inconsistent definitions of what being a “single parent” means (e.g., treating parents who are single from divorce similarly to single parents who were never married/partnered) and thus should not be treated as gospel (nor should any research!)
Financial strain. News flash: Children cost money! When parents have less money, they are less happy. Indeed, financial strain is associated with higher rates of depression among mothers (Jackson et al., 2000, Child Development). This likely plays a role in other findings, such as why some studies find that single parents are less happy than married parents, or that younger parents (e.g., younger than age 24) are less satisfied with their lives compared to older parents (Nelson et al., 2013, Psychological Science)
When having children leads to more happiness
Positive emotions. While children may be frustrating and anxiety-provoking, they also promote a lot of positive emotions in one’s daily life. For example, one study asked parents and nonparents to report on how much they felt a variety of positive and negative emotions five times a day for a week. They found that parents reported more positive emotions (including contentment, pride, happiness, amusement, accomplishment, interest, excitement, and joy) compared to nonparents, with this finding most pronounced when comparing fathers with child-free men (Nelson et al., 2013, Psychological Science)3
Purpose and meaning in life. Having purpose and meaning in one’s life is directly tied to subjective well-being. Similar to the above findings, parents often report that parenthood is one of the most meaningful aspects of their life. In the same study that found that parents reported more positive emotions than nonparents, the researchers also found that parents reported more “meaningful moments” in their daily lives. Specifically, parents more frequently responded “very much” to the question, “In the bigger picture of your life, how personally significant and meaningful to you is what you are doing at the moment?” compared to nonparents (Nelson et al., 2013, Psychological Science)
Fulfilling personal needs and holding multiple roles. The authors of this review argue that having children can fulfill multiple human needs, including the evolutionary need to promote the survival of our species as well as psychological needs such as autonomy (a sense of control over one’s choices), connectedness to others, and competence. Additionally, they argue that holding multiple roles in one’s life can help promote well-being. When our performance in one role suffers (e.g., having a bad day at your job), you can feel fulfilled by success in a different role (e.g., having a good day as a parent). While this all may sound fairly esoteric and not particularly unique to being a parent, it makes sense that having children may provide additional opportunities to feel confident, capable, and connected to others in our lives, all things that matter for our well-being. This may be particularly true as being a parent puts one in the majority, as approximately 85% of adults over age 45 are parents (per this report from 2002).
In summary
There are just as many challenging aspects of being a parent as there are aspects that are uniquely rewarding. Yes, my new year’s eve celebration was not exactly what anyone would wish for. At the same time, I found myself looking back fondly over the year that I became a parent of two children. I have gotten into the habit of saying to my baby when she cries, “Thank you for reminding me that my time is not just my own. You belong to me, and I belong to you.” Sure, sometimes I say it with gritted teeth, frustrated and tired, but other times I say it sweetly, with gratitude that I can take care of this little meaning-making machine and be part of the parenting spectrum of human existence.
The question of whether parents are happier than nonparents is so thorny in part because it begs so many other questions: Can we truly compare these two groups of people as if being a parent is the only difference between them? What does happiness even mean? Clearly, it’s up to every individual person to figure that out.
As part of an ongoing discussion around parental well-being, next I’ll review two different ways we can think about well-being and how it might help you feel happier when parenting gets tough. Stay tuned.
One study found that women who were child-free by choice were just as happy as mothers, while women who could not biologically have children were significantly less happy than either group (Callan, 1987).
Refer back to my experiences on new year’s eve. Happy new year!!!!!!!!!
The title of this study pulls no punches: “In defense of parenthood: Children are associated with more joy than misery.”