What Are Values and How Can They Help You?
Identifying how you want to live your life is an integral step towards becoming a happier, more assured person (and parent)
One of my favorite practices I do with therapy clients is to help them clarify what is important to them. In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), we call these priorities values. Values are abstract concepts that are, as author and therapist Dr. Russ Harris puts it, “your heart’s deepest desire for how you want to behave as a human being.” Your values are like your own personal compass, giving you insight and direction into how you want to live your life and interact with the world. Or, to put another way, after you die, what qualities do you want your loved ones to remember about you?
Rather than goals like “get a job” or “exercise more,” things that can be checked off of a list, we can never truly complete living our values. At the same time, values can help you achieve your goals; for example, knowing that you value excitement over independence can help you find a job that’s the right fit. There may be some values that are applicable to every aspect of your life, while other values may be specific to work, or family, or your leisure time. For instance, romance is likely only applicable to some relationships in your life and not others. Additionally, you might value order and patience more as it relates to work and open-mindedness and exploration more as it relates to your free time.
The best and arguably most difficult thing to grasp about values is that everyone has different ones, and there are no such things as “right values” or “wrong values.” It can be incredibly easy to weaponize our values and turn them into judgmental thoughts, ways we or others “should” operate in the world. So many clients turn a values discussion into an outlet for their perfectionism (“Everything in my life needs to be devoted to this thing!”) or as a means of punishing themselves (“I'm a terrible person because I haven't spent enough time doing what's important to me”).
This is especially true when I talk about values with parents. On top of everything, parents will often turn a values exercise into a laundry list of things they want for their children (“I want my children to feel creative, and safe, and loved…”). Of course the way we choose to parent is affected by how we want our children to interact with the world. However, if you base your “success” as a parent on how well your children live up to some image of who you want them to be, you will be disappointed. Values around parenting involve how we want to live in the world as a parent, sometimes regardless (or in spite!) of how our children react to those values. So much frustration, guilt, and unhappiness from parenting comes from internalizing this notion that as long as we do what we are “supposed” to do, what other people tell us to do or what we think is what “good” parents do, our children will be well-behaved and well-adjusted. And when this doesn’t happen, we blame ourselves.
In reality, being thoughtful about our values can be an antidote to all of this. By reminding ourselves about what is truly important to us, we can work towards letting go of unrealistic expectations and judgments we have of ourselves and others. When we parent in ways that are different from our friends or what we see on social media, we can reflect on how our values may differ, or be curious about how others may express the same values in different ways. It doesn’t mean that we’re wrong or bad at parenting. It simply means we’re focusing on what’s important to us in our own, unique ways. And that’s okay! It’s even worth celebrating!
Recently, I have been feeling a little guilty about how much screen time we allow our preschooler. Whenever I feel this way, I try to ask myself whether I am moving towards or away from my values. Sometimes allowing my preschooler to watch cartoons helps me move towards values on feeling connected to my younger child (because I can focus more on them), independence (because I can go do the dishes or simply do something else), or even being more physically affectionate with my preschooler (because he has a higher tolerance for cuddles when he is watching a screen). In those moments I try not to fret about “too much” screen time. However, sometimes I feel like I’m moving away from values like play and fun, and when that happens I know I will feel better if we take a break and go build a massive train set or head to the playground. This helps me remember that I have agency over my parenting choices and to refocus on how I actually want to parent. Importantly, it also reminds me that most things in life aren’t always good or always bad, and there are a multitude of ways I can move towards my values at any given moment.
While there is no such thing as a right or wrong value, there are more and less adaptive ways to move towards our values. You can prioritize relaxation in your life, but alcohol or drug use may not be the best options available for living that value. There are ways people move towards values like safety, loyalty, autonomy, and ambition that are harmful for themselves and others. Values practices should not be used to impose your values onto someone else, nor should you expect that everyone should move towards their values in the same manner that you do.
Identifying your values is usually the easy part. The hard part comes in knowing how to move towards those values in ways that are meaningful and fulfilling. Good luck.
More on values:
I’ve used this worksheet by Dr. Russ Harris with clients on clarifying their values
Another values worksheet (longer, with references!), provided by the Veterans Administration
Here’s a short video on the difference between values versus goals, also by Dr. Russ Harris